To prenup or not…that is the question?

I know you probably just ASSUME that I’m a gold digger and really who could blame you I mean the title of this site is MARRIED MY SUGAR DADDY. Still my sugar daddy, who was 38 when I met him and had been in a medical practice for a little less than 10 years-definitely had more “sugar” than the 23-year-old me, but NOTHING next to the sugar richness of a guy like Kelsey Grammer. Still our 15-year age gap raised a couple of eyebrows, especially among his entourage and I know most suggested that he get me to sign a prenup before our skip down the aisle.

So did he ask me to sign a prenup?! You betcha. Did I agree? HELL TO THE NO! Did he force the issue? Well let’s put it this way- he tried his darndest to explain that a prenuptial agreement had nothing to do with his feelings for me. He waxed about how much he loved and cherished me and how sure he was that we’d spend the rest of our lives together, yada yada and this was just a precaution in case our forever didn’t come to fruition. I remember he said ” think of it as insurance,” to which I said, “Um yeah, insurance for you- but what about MY INSURANCE?!” To which he said…nothing. Because that’ the point of a prenup it truly is about protecting the haves and not the have nots. And of course now 14 years into this marriage, my husband says he didn’t push the issue because he was stupid, in love and then his voice trails off. He also says that had we had one drawn up after the ten year mark, I would have been entitled to everything anyhow.

I get it, and if it was me trying to protect the assets I’d built up over the course of 10 years of toiling as a physician like my husband- I probably would have felt the same. Why take that leap of faith and risk losing everything if the marriage goes bad? But the way I see it– this whole marriage thing- is a LEAP of faith. You go into it- knowing that there’s a strong possibility things may not work out and backing up that knowledge with a prenuptial contract, in my opinion, gives you an out of that union before you even enter into it. And after logging 14 LONG years into my union- I can honestly say- had I signed that piece of paper…perhaps when I asked my husband one too many times to take out the trash, did he change his clothes, did he walk the dog, why isn’t he effusive, why can’t he compliment me more, blah, blah.. he might have just ended it (knowing he’d walk away with his finances in tact). Whereas being uncertain about what could potentially happen, (without a prenup) – had we decided to end our marriage NOT having one was kind of like MY insurance. It made it just a tad more difficult for him to bolt as opposed to staying and working through whatever our issues were, are, have been, continue to be….

Still I’m curious to hear what you think- to prenup or not?

Comments

  1. carol says

    Definitely, YES! I have worked outside the home, full-time, since graduating from college. After having to fight to get all the PERSONAL property I brought into my first marriage along with half the joint assets, I learned my lesson quick. I wasn't going to have anyone trying to pass off my PERSONAL/SEPARATE (important terms you learn in a divorce!) property as COAMINGLED ever again. You can want to think positive thoughts and say nothing will happen, but you only have to go through one divorce to learn life doesn't always work out as you hope.

    When I got married the second time, I was the one asking for the prenup – just to make sure what I had prior to our marriage stayed mine and what was his, stayed his. Even after 25 years of marriage, I am still an advocate. When my son gets married, he will have one to protect his personal assets accumulated PRIOR to marriage – anything after is community property, other than that acquired through inheritence.

    After I got remarried, a girlfriend of mine got engaged. I encouraged her to get a prenup to protect her real estate and any assets prior to marriage. She thought about it but then ultimately decided against it -she didn't want to show any doubts about the marriage. The DAY BEFORE the wedding, a letter arrives from the IRS for her fiancee. They were looking for the $15,000.00 plus interest he owed from two years earlier. Debt he had neglected to tell my friend about. Long story short – after they got married he lost his job after agreeing to terms with the IRS. When the marriage failed after two years (and him still out of work), my friend ended up having to pay his debt in order to keep her condo (purchased years prior to her marriage) lien free! I rest my case.

  2. says

    I fully understand the thought process behind a prenup and with 50% of marriages ending in divorce, who can blame a person for wanting one? But I have a slightly different take on it than the other person who commented. I believe a prenup in it of itself is a plan b, whether consciously or subconsciously. When referencing my marriage I always love talking about the fact that I have no plan B and the reason is having a plan B always distracts from plan A. Again, it’s rarely conscious or intentional but it’s always there…in the back of your mind. I remember reading a quote years ago that said, “Even contemplating a plan be necessitates a plan B.” If there is a need for a plan B, aka pre-nup, I’d say just don’t move forward. Don’t marry that person. Both parties should go into marriage on one accord…focused solely on plan A. Just my opinion. And no, I would not have signed a prenup for the aforementioned reason.

  3. says

    I think it depends on the situation. I was 35, had an established business, business partner and a lot to lose financially if our marriage did not work out. My hubs made more money than me and I knew my lifestyle was going to change and had to protect myself. Meaning if he wanted out 5 years in, it was going to cost him. Cost him so much it would never be worth leaving me. LOL.

    Put it this way, our prenup is in more in my favor than his. I never think about the prenup but I feel more secure for the future of my kids financially should he ever decide to walk out the door. And all my assets are protected as well as my business.

  4. @thekdrake says

    I absolutely agree with Alison, it really depends on the situation. In my case, the man I had agreed to marry was 27 years my senior, had three grown children and was on the heels of a divorce from his first wife. Since I understood his goals were to protect his assets for his children and maintain financial support to his first wife, I agreed to sign one. As I reflect back on that time, I felt an extreme amount of pressue to do so. We were only a few weeks away from our wedding and I felt cornered and as if I didn’t have a choice at that time. When faced with this same set of circumstances today, I would have refused. If he walked away, so be it. In the end, I think it made his next big relationship decision an easier one – he chose to leave our relationship exactly one year later.

    As I see it, things turned out beautifully in the end. I’ve been happily married to a wonderful man for nearly 10 years, we have two beautiful daughters and a fantastic life. Had I stayed in that first marriage, I wouldn’t be who I am today.

    It’s my hope that every woman facing this decision, no matter the unique circumstances of her relationship, seek the advice and counsel of an attorney. A prenup is a mutual agreement and I’m of the opinion it should offer protection for both parties – not just the one with more to lose.

  5. says

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