If you spy on your spouse and you find out he’s been unfaithful, then what?

After having witnessed friends and families whose marriages have imploded after infidelities, there is a part of me that does not completely trust my husband. And so if I had to categorize myself – I’d probably label myself a snooper.  I’ve been known on occasion, to question him about the names on these pieces of paper, perhaps in a surreptitious attempt to catch him in a lie- or perhaps just to keep him on his toes. While I trust him implicitly with my life and the lives of my children and I feel confident that he would never forsake the sanctity of our marital vows…I still find myself looking through his wallet, his jacket and jean pockets and even occasionally checking his cell phone’s incoming and outgoing calls.  Perhaps my propensity for snooping is because I’ve seen too many Lifetime movies where the unsuspecting wife finds out her husband is leading a double life, or maybe I’m just a paranoid New Yorker. Oh and just for the record- I KNOW he has never, nor does he ever, harbor any desire to check up on me.

If you spy on your spouse and you find out he's been unfaithful, then what?

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Of course I’ve always said that if my husband was cheating on me, he’d be pretty lousy at keeping it a secret. My man is forever leaving scraps of paper littered about, many scrawled with phone numbers and he NEVER empties his pockets out. Not to mention that he is honest to a fault. In other words, even if I want him to tell me one of those little white lies- about the size of my bum- he cannot do so- as he is incapable of being anything but truthful.

However, living in our internet world of Facebook friends, private messages and texting– how can any of us truly be sure our partner is not carrying on some sort of clandestine affair of the heart- WITHOUT SNOOPING?  But I guess the real question is– once you actually find something– how do you confront your spouse when the way you found out was by violating his privacy?


  1. says

    It doesn’t matter how you found out. Infidelity trumps everything else.

    I would also add that there is a difference between privacy and secrecy. Everyone is entitled to privacy. But no one is entitled to the kind of secrecy that hides relevant information from their relationship partner. Whether it is an affair, gambling away community property, or drug addiction, if it is something that impacts the relationship, it is something your spouse has a legitimate right to know, You don’t have the right to unilaterally change the terms of the relationship (eg. an agreement to be faithful).

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