If you spy on your spouse and you find out he’s been unfaithful, then what?

After having witnessed friends and families whose marriages have imploded after infidelities, there is a part of me that does not completely trust my husband. And so if I had to categorize myself – I’d probably label myself a snooper.  I’ve been known on occasion, to question him about the names on these pieces of paper, perhaps in a surreptitious attempt to catch him in a lie- or perhaps just to keep him on his toes. While I trust him implicitly with my life and the lives of my children and I feel confident that he would never forsake the sanctity of our marital vows…I still find myself looking through his wallet, his jacket and jean pockets and even occasionally checking his cell phone’s incoming and outgoing calls.  Perhaps my propensity for snooping is because I’ve seen too many Lifetime movies where the unsuspecting wife finds out her husband is leading a double life, or maybe I’m just a paranoid New Yorker. Oh and just for the record- I KNOW he has never, nor does he ever, harbor any desire to check up on me.

If you spy on your spouse and you find out he's been unfaithful, then what?

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Of course I’ve always said that if my husband was cheating on me, he’d be pretty lousy at keeping it a secret. My man is forever leaving scraps of paper littered about, many scrawled with phone numbers and he NEVER empties his pockets out. Not to mention that he is honest to a fault. In other words, even if I want him to tell me one of those little white lies- about the size of my bum- he cannot do so- as he is incapable of being anything but truthful.

However, living in our internet world of Facebook friends, private messages and texting– how can any of us truly be sure our partner is not carrying on some sort of clandestine affair of the heart- WITHOUT SNOOPING?  But I guess the real question is– once you actually find something– how do you confront your spouse when the way you found out was by violating his privacy?


  1. says

    It doesn’t matter how you found out. Infidelity trumps everything else.

    I would also add that there is a difference between privacy and secrecy. Everyone is entitled to privacy. But no one is entitled to the kind of secrecy that hides relevant information from their relationship partner. Whether it is an affair, gambling away community property, or drug addiction, if it is something that impacts the relationship, it is something your spouse has a legitimate right to know, You don’t have the right to unilaterally change the terms of the relationship (eg. an agreement to be faithful).

  2. says

    That’s a hard question to answer without knowing all the details. My first reaction would be to leave, but I’ve seen friends go through it, work it out, and have happy marriages. It would definitely be difficult to trust again.

  3. says

    I can’t imagine! I’m nosey in general, so I would definitely fall into the category of being a snooper, but I don’t know how I’d react. I mean, I’m sure I would confront him, but after that? I really don’t know.

  4. Shauna says

    Oh lordy, I have no idea. Ha! I guess that I have never thought about it since I trust my Hubby so much. I would say that I would not be the forgiving type and our marriage would be over

  5. Sherry says

    I honestly don’t know what I would do in that situation. I am nosey by nature and I know I would blow a gasket to start with but other than that I have no clue until it happens.

  6. Ann Bacciaglia says

    I would be so angry if I found out my Husband was cheating on me. I would probably put all of his belongings out in the yard.

  7. Tammi Roy says

    It is a lot easier to spy on a loved one with social media. I would be so upset if I every found out my Husband was cheating.

  8. says

    Yikes… I don’t even know how to answer that. I feel like with all these TV shows and Hollywood drama, we are conditioned to think it will happen to us. I choose to keep our lines of communication open and respect my husband’s privacy as I expect him to do. If something comes up in the future- I hope we can discuss it as it pertains to our relationship’s current place in time and go from there. We’re all human and make mistakes… but some mistakes cannot be erased.

    So… I guess, i don’t snoop, so I don’t know what Id do bc I don’t think that way!

  9. says

    What a big question.. I don’t even know how I would react to something like that. I don’t snoop in my husband’s things, but would hope that he takes our vows seriously as I do.

  10. Robin Rue says

    I would be truly devastated by something like this if I found it out. I would love to think that my spouse is nothing but truthful.

  11. says

    As somebody said- no matter how you found out, it’s devastating but also, if you don’t trust your spouse and then go looking for it, you will always find it. When I was younger, I didn’t trust my ex-husband and that set us up for failure. I guess maybe that’s why I stay single now, lol

  12. Jessica says

    I have been married for over 11 years now, me and my husband met in the church many years before we started dating and we had a loving relationship until my husband started acting strange by getting very angry over little issues,coming home very late, refusing to spend time with me… I was then introduced to some professional hackers who helped me hacked his phone’s texts and calls successfully.I already promised to get them more customers as they offer lots of hacking services, you can contact them on zeushackers01@outlook.com

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