I have finally taken the online dating plunge and no I never thought I’d be that single mom trolling online profile pics in the hopes of
finding my Mr. Right Now. The truth is- you simply don’t know who you are getting behind that probably was photo shopped or taken 20 lbs. ago photo, and that bio, describing said guy- well we all stretch the truth somewhat (it’sIMPOSSIBLE that every single guy likes long walks on the beach..But I digress).
So here I am flipping through online profiles like shopping for a pair of shoes, and well- after doing this for a few months- I’ve come to this
conclusion, if I actually see someone online whose picture looks half decent, for all those who’ve done online dating (and for those of you married gals who are just LIVING vicariously through the exciting trials and tribulations of my single mom dating escapades), when you come across half decent well… you run with it.
So me and online guy talk for a while and set up a date and decide to meet at a local NYC beach. Of course, the actual guy I meet, well to
put it mildly, looks absolutely nothing like his picture, but since he’s not completely repulsive I decide to let this inconsequential fact slide and chalk it up to bad lighting (or maybe just plain desperation on my part or my need to connect with another adult who unlike my kids won’t ask me for a peanut butter and jelly sandwich or to wipe his butt). So we proceed to make our way to the beach where he tells me all about his mad massage skills. Never one to turn down a free massage- although feeling a bit creeped out that this virtual stranger is all of a sudden going to be manipulating my erogenous zones, I permit him to use me as an example and practice his massage technique on me,which much to my surprise is somewhat satisfactory.
Unfortunately, that saying that there are no free lunches, I’m soon to learn, also applies to no free massages. After an hour of becoming
quite intimately acquainted with his massaging skills he leans in for that half dreaded half anticipated first kiss. Now I don’t know about the rest of you, but for me a bad kisser gets tossed right out the door.
And as luck would have it said guy proceeds to jam his tongue down my throat for a full minute. And let me paint the scenario for you…when you have a tongue choking you to death a minute is akin to a lifetime. This kiss had no lips at all, the lips were completely ignored and I believe they were pissed off. And as he’s “kissing” m, f you can even call his tongue attack a kiss, all I’m thinking is ” great now I can never see this guy again, as my number one no-no, since beginning to date again is bad kissing ( which in my opinion foreshadows one’s inability to tap into their sexual and sensual side.
Still, being one who always wants to help other better themselves, and after I managed to extract said guy’s tongue from my tonsils, I felt it was
my duty to teach this poor guy how to kiss and to use his lips so as to prevent future single mamas doing the online dating thing from becoming a casualty in a choking incident. I figure its good karma for me for and the next lucky lady who ends up with this guy. Unfortunately teaching kissing 101 was not quite what I signed up for when I paid for my online dating membership.
So spill it what are your NON negotiables when it comes to dating?