If you cheat on your soon to be spouse, do you have to come clean?

“If I cheated on my boyfriend in the past, several times, should I tell him now. It has been three years since I last cheated on him and well I did not sleep with the other guys. We are planning to get married soon but the remorse haunts me. As well, at one point in our relationship he decided to leave the past in the past and go forward.”

If you cheat on your soon to be spouse, do you have to come clean?

This is a comment a reader just submitted and I thought it would be a great discussion to have on this blog. I’ve always said I am NOT A LICENSED THERAPIST- I’m just a girl who has been in the marriage trenches fro almost 15 years (This December 19, 2013) and am utterly fascinated by the ability to sustain monogamy. I also created this blog as a space where we could all come together and hash out what was really going on behind the closed doors of a relationship with no sugar coating and brutal honesty- warts and all.

All this being said what I’ve gleaned from marriage and the daily work of being in a relationship is: You cannot live in the past. You cannot allow grudges, guilt and resentment to sit in the pit of your stomach. They will eventually turn into a raging hostility that your partner will never be able to overcome. If you are feeling something you need to say it; you need to come clean about your internal life with your partner as hard as that might be. And yes, in my opinion, I do think this woman needs to come clean to this man she is about to marry. Do I think doing so will create friction- YES. But I don’t think a relationship that is not honest can go the distance. It will have cracks in its foundation that will eventually lead to its ultimate demise.  This woman’s guilt over her past indiscretions- FULL ON SEX OR NOT- will haunt her and will insidiously creep into their union. I think a couple needs to be clean- honest and able to work on whatever one of them needs help with. In this case I would advise this reader to tell her fiancee about her past. And hopefully they can move forward from there.

Of course I also believe that in unloading her indiscretions she is unburdening herself and some might say- leave the past in the past- what good will dredging this up do for their present state? All I know is if it were me- and I was about to marry a man- I would want to know all the facts- and be able to make an informed decison on this next stage of my life. Would I forgive him and go ahead with the marriage? I guess it depends on his remorse and his willingness to work on himself and commit himself to a monogamous union. All I do know for sure is a relationship cannot withstand  a partner who is HAUNTED….

So I’m putting it out there to you: If you cheat on your soon to be spouse, do you have to come clean?


  1. says

    Several times is a bit too much. I think she needs to rethink getting married and seek a therapist for her commitment issues. Love doesn’t wander into other relationships. She’s lacking something in her current relationship and marriage won’t fulfill it. Hold off on the wedding. Work on yourself first. I hope she figures it out before it’s too late. Good luck to her.

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