Since my father passed I try really hard to not allowÂ these overwhelming feelings of sadnessÂ envelop me during random moments.Â It’s so strange how a song, a picture or yes even the monumental birth of my father’s grandson born to his only son ( who we are hoping will be his name sake) can stir up this cavalcade of sadness I forget I have buried inside.
I know these feelings are not individual to me- and that I am just one of millions of people who confront death and the loss of their loved one on a daily basis. And yet- it feels so utterly isolating- – no one really wants to confront the dying process head-on- because it would mean acknowledging that all this stuff we accumulate, titles we take on- money we amass in the end- mean absolutely nothing- and that we’re all destined for the same inevitable ending.
I keep ruminating over my father’s last weeks of life- and my insistence on keeping the mood light and humorous- I didnâ€™t want to be maudlin- I didnâ€™t want to tell my father how much I’d miss him, I didnâ€™t want to have those end of life death bed conversations because I wanted him to feel like this was not the end- that it was merely a new better chapter and that weâ€™d haveÂ so many more opportunities to play cards, watch old movies and that he’d once again whip up all my favorite dishes which I’d inhale — I honestly donâ€™t think I’ll ever be able to eat chicken soup again without feeling thisÂ suffocating sense ofÂ sadness.
I was told I had to wait a year to feel my father’s presence, because it takes a year for the soul to settle. I am waiting for something, anything. I think–and this is just my not believing in anything side emerging- that perhaps you see signs that you want to see. You can manifest signs. My father was a maudlin kind of guy- I remember always telling him- it couldn’t possibly be true that this was it- that there was nothing after this. And I still can’t say that I accept that- even though- I’ve felt nothing from him since he passed over.
So I continue to play the game of life and create situations and opportunities that will distract me from the inevitability that one day IÂ too will die. It is such a sobering thought- and honestly until my father died I never realized (or allowed myself to realize) that everything we love has a shelf life. I desperately want to go back in time- to a place and a moment where I didnâ€™t feel death’s hot breath beating down my neck- marring every happy occasion with its sinister reality.
I think of this post Jennifer Perillo posted on facebook and today it is making me feel just a tad better…
“Flowers Never Bend with the Rainfall is on loop this morning. Such writing brilliance from S&G. “So, I continue to continue, to pretend my life will never end”. There is so much truth in that line alone. It doesn’t end, it just takes on a different form, one we can’t see or hear, but always feel.”