Do opposites attract in a long-term relationship? GOOD QUESTION!

 When I first met my husband 12 years ago I thought our opposite personalities complimented each other. It was like we were two pieces of this grand puzzle and somehow amidst the trillions of other pieces out there; despite how jagged I seemed compared to his smooth exterior our parts just fit.

In the beginning our opposite natures were simple; I’m crazy about all things caffeinated, he won’t touch the stuff. I’d prefer to stay up to the wee hours of the morning; he can’t keep his eyes open past 9 pm.  I would give anything for a few extra hours of sleep in the morning, while he’s bright eyed and bushy-tailed at 7 am. I cannot bear to bottle up your feelings; he would rather stick pins in his eyes than to have a “talk.”

And in the infancy stage of our marriage, when it was all shiny and new, although my husband and I have personalities that could not be more extremely polar opposite from one another when we were together, it’s as if all those opposite characteristics faded into the background and the two of us simply couldn’t bear to be without the other.

Yet the toll of our current situation, aka, my husband deciding to redefine his life’s expectations, has created this chasm between us- that seems to be widening just a bit more every day. It seems this situation is forcing me to  head-on- day in and day out face up to how truly different we are. And I don’t like what I see and feel this surge of resentment steadily working its way up from the pit of my stomach into my throat resulting in this silent screaming in my head.

I started this blog to be honest; honest about my marriage, my relationship, and as a place where others could vent their issues with their spouses and feel like here was their soft place to land. And so as I struggle in my own marriage to stay the course, which G-D knows is SO much easier said than done- and if I lived in the fifties when divorce was akin to a mortal sin- I may have just channeled my frustrations into swigging back pills and vodka ala the Days of Wine and Roses. But I know I’m not alone in my marital discord- I’m just one of thousands who take this leap of faith to bind themselves to another virtual stranger- procreate and hope they can live out the rest of their lives in a monogamous, happily ever after dream.

I know “airing my grievances” is not going to help my marriage– but it sure feels just a tad bit better to put it out there into the universe in the hopes that others will nod their heads in agreement and maybe just maybe offer their experiences via a comment.

Comments

  1. says

    I disagree. I do think that airing these grievances will help your marriage. It’s better to let it all out than to have it fester. If all you were doing was bitching, that would be one thing. But you’re being honest – with yourself and others. You’re talking to him. You’re fighting mightily to save your marriage and family. So what if it’s on your blog? That’s your community. You’re using the social networking support system to do just that: support you.
    Marriage is hard. I don’t think anyone really tells you that before you get married. But it is. And there are always ups and downs. Sometimes they last a long time. Sometimes they’re deal breakers, it’s true. But talking about the difficulties, admitting them — well I think that can go a long way to working them out.

  2. says

    It is part of the hard, difficult fact for human beings — EVERYTHING changes. You are not happy forever or unhappy forever. No one is unless they are struggling psychologically or ill. So enjoy every good moment and hang on in the bad because something will change it.
    My husband an I had a solid 20 years of no real issues (without kids that can make it easier sometimes – less to argue about) – but at year 20? We hit a wall. I was in my early 40’s – I was changing dramatically and so was he. We had a few very difficult years getting back to where we are now – but I had to read the book “That’s Not What I Meant” by linguist Deborah Tannen before I could figure out how we could talk without killing each other every time.
    My point in this is that you need to find ways to communicate and move the puzzle a bit to make a different picture together.
    I have faith you will — your marriage sounds very much like mine and if you ever want to talk/talk I’d be happy to . Hang in there for all of you — this is what the vows are about. Good and bad. If the foundation of love and respect is there we can get through the changes we all go through as we grow. Not easy – but very much worth it, I think, if you married the man for the right reasons.

  3. Alicia Webster says

    Being married is hard sometimes, for everyone, no matter what they say. You have to have the attitude that there will be peaks and valleys. Enjoy the peaks, but when you are in a valley, ride it through. Sometimes this means making time for yourself and your needs. But sometimes it means giving more when you really don’t feel like you want to. I consider myself lucky in that I married a better person than myself. We both have our faults of course, but he really is a much more sane, stable, and reliable person than I am. What this means for me is that I try to be the wife that he deserves. I fail most of the time (my opinion, not his), but it doesn’t stop me from trying harder. Do you admire your spouse? Don’t answer, but think about it. Because part of that falling head over heels in love feeling is derived from each person presenting their best side in the beginning. Are you both presenting your best side? Still? Also, you have to be happy with yourself, which is a cliche’, but true. I love my husband with everything I have, but if he left me tomorrow, I’d still be fine. My happiness does not depend on him. I would miss him terribly, but I have a full life and the other parts would rush in to fill the hollow spot. Love, compassion, kindness, and laughter–those are the keys–make sure that you have them all–

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