Being married is a long, arduous work in progress

So y’all know I married this man who-when we met was a practicing double board certified in Nephrology and Internal medicine physician.. and then three years ago he decided he could no longer practice medicine. He didn’t have it in him- he felt suffocated, overwhelmed, anxious and ultimately found not even an iota of satisfaction in any of the tasks associated with it.
(Although I know his patients- based on the hand-written notes they gave him- did not share his feelings of disillusionment with medicine-rather they adored him and cherished his gentle bedside manner and honest affinity and care for them).

I know that part of his downfall as a doctor-is that he is from another generation. Okay yes he is 15 years older than me- so he is DEFINITELY from another generation, but in this regard I mean his manner- his slow, deliberate, methodical- take lots of time with each patient manner. Her’s not a get em in get em out– my patients are merely their medical charts. He got to know each one of them; their families, their likes, the intimate details of their lives. And in this day and age, where everything is about quantity versus quality- and the only way to make money is to increase your patient load- thereby cutting the amount of time and energy you can allot to each patient– well for my husband- I think it was all too much. He couldn’t cope=- even in our regular daily lives– he does not just spit out answers- to even the most simple of questions. He thinks everything through (sometimes to the point where I feel like squeezing the answer out of him) in a methodical, measured and analytical way. He is the very opposite of impulsive, do it fast, get her done. He just isn’t wired that way.

And so he is now, trying to find something else, his passion, his life’s work- a career that will fulfill him in a way that medicine never did. And I feel helpless– and so sad for him- that he did everything he truly believed he was supposed to and yet at 53 years old, feels like a failure….I keep telling him anyone who could get through medical school, internship, residencies, fellowships and 20 years practicing medicine is anything but a failure. Yet we live in a society of what are you doing right now, this very minute- we don’t rest on our laurels- we push forward we are judged often quite harshly on how we are living right this very minute- and his very minute is bleak- he is floundering and at a crossroads- stuck, paralyzed by fear, age- and having spent so much of his life, living with these doctor blinders on.

As his wife, I too am stuck and our marriage is being tested on every level.

Comments

  1. sweet says

    You are doing an incredible job, sounds like, of just understanding him and loving him through this time. A+++ for that. Having someone who loves you and understands you is priceless in this life. No money can buy you that. You are right about feeling almost worthless if you don’t have it all figured out during every hour, minute, second of your life. It is so unfair for no other reason than it is impossible! But here is where grace comes in…sometimes we are given people in our lives who will love us a “whole” people through all our twists, turns, ups, downs as we move along our journey. You two are that for each other. Not like so many other relationships were they watch (and judge) each others every move like the stock market, ready to sell you off or trade you the very second it looks like you’be become a shaky investment. Kudos to you two for being real people to and for each other. I pray to have that some day soon.

    • Presious says

      For me personally, I have tried marriage one time. From my family history, as a teenager, I said I would never get married. However, I wanted children. When my now “ex” proposed to me, I literally beat him up all the way out the door as he yelled, “I’m gonna change your mind!” Nine months later, I did accept his second proposal because he was soooo sweet. After 10 and a half years, we were divorced with four beautiful children and now a 3 year old grandson. We look back now and laugh about it. I vowed never to marry again. He married again and has been for I believe 10 years now. She’s very nice and yes, we get a long fine. I occasionally still attend family holiday gatherings.

      In short, I think both partners should be equally yoked as the bible says. It seems it causes problems not only for the parnters but especially for the children. Religion is a very serious matter. If your parnter is not of the same religion, seems it may cause you to doubt your own religion. No one should ever doubt God….provided He is your belief.

      Should your partner not be a believer in the same religion (or vise versa), stand strong in your belief. God, in my opinion, is bigger than anything. He is the creator of all. Science would not be science without God. We would not exist, the earth, space, stars, anything would not exist without God “first”.

      Perhaps you can be an example to your husband by remaining steadfast in your belief. Don’t judge him or put him down. Just accept and especially pray for him. God knows your heart and his heart. Amazing things happen when we pray.

      Take care.

      We are

  2. elissapr says

    Wow. This is heavy duty, mama.

    There is nothing worse than living with a man whose career is in doubt. For men, in my POV, “You are what, what you do.” So much of their self-worth is measured on that premise. And? There’s nothing you can do until he figures it out for himself. The test will be how much and how long can you actually live like this?

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