7 things you should never do in your marriage (if you can help it)

DISCLAIMER: DON’T read this post unless you have a sense of humor!

This December will mark my FOURTEENTH wedding anniversary- I know– I can’t believe it either. Fourteen years waking up to the same face, hearing those same tales of his rock star life pre marriage, being schooled on the way one should dry their feet post shower and his insistence that washing a pair of jeans more than twice a year is blasphemous.

Well after all these years of marriage there are two things you should never do in your marriage: Fart. Tell your wife she needs to lose weight (unless of course you’re a real risk taker and willing to put your very life in her pudgy hands). And here are 7 more things, perhaps less obvious, that you should NEVER do in your marriage.

#1 Never talk about your ex – pretty self-explanatory. Talking about the ex tells your spouse you’re either: (a.) bitter, (b.) still hung up on them or (c.) both.

#2 Don’t talk about religion and politics. Most people have fairly strong opinions on both. In a marriage you really don’t want the conversation to get that heavy. There will be a time for those topics once your sex life dries up.

#3 Never talk about money – again, money doesn’t make for good marriage fodder. There will always be one partner who is the spender and one who is the saver.. talking about money unless you just won the lottery can never lead to anything other than an argument over why, as a 39 year old woman, you just needed to buy that wonder woman barbie doll for yourself.

#4 Never forget your anniversary, Valentine’s Day and your wife’s birthday. Oh and if she says she doesn’t want anything– DON’T LISTEN. Show up with something, anything.

#5 Never talk bad about your inlaws. You can agree and be a shoulder to cry on- but you CAN NEVER be the one to actually say, I think your mother is a heifer.

#6 Never eat or drink to excess. Stuffing your face or drinking to the point of intoxication does not typically achieve any objective other than spending the night with your head or bum in a toilet which is not all that pleasing to your better half (remember farting is only cute when you’re dating- after 13 years.. not so much). That doesn’t mean abstention, just moderation.

#7 If you are FINALLY planning a date with your spouse; never go to the movies on a first date – the idea is to get to know each other. Sitting in a dark movie theater doesn’t lend itself well to conversation. Invariably, the only thing you end up talking about is the movie. Wait on second thought- maybe talking about the movie instead of that rash you cant get rid of, or when your husband is going to replenish the toilet paper in the downstairs bathroom is a good idea.

So tell us… what are some things you think one should NEVER do in your marriage? Do you have any marital horror stories or red-face moments?


  1. Paula E. says

    This is hilarious! Never discuss your friends’ marriages. They are miserable too, they’re just better at hiding it.

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