7 things you should never do in your marriage (if you can help it)

DISCLAIMER: DON’T read this post unless you have a sense of humor!

This December marked my 16th year wedding anniversary- I know– I can’t believe it either. Sixteen years waking up to the same face, hearing those same tales of his rock star life pre-marriage, being schooled on the way one should dry their feet post shower and his insistence that washing a pair of jeans more than twice a year is blasphemous.

photo courtesy

Well after all these years of marriage there are two things you should never do in your marriage: Fart. Tell your wife she needs to lose weight (unless of course you’re a real risk taker and willing to put your very life in her pudgy hands). And here are 7 more things, perhaps less obvious, that you should NEVER do in your marriage.

#1 Never talk about your ex. pretty self-explanatory. Talking about the ex tells your spouse you’re either: (a.) bitter, (b.) still hung up on them or (c.) both.

#2 Don’t talk about religion and politics. Most people have fairly strong opinions on both. In a marriage you really don’t want the conversation to get that heavy. There will be a time for those topics once your sex life dries up.

#3 Never talk about money– again, money doesn’t make for good marriage fodder. There will always be one partner who is the spender and one who is the saver.. talking about money unless you just won the lottery can never lead to anything other than an argument over why, as a 41 year old woman, you just needed to buy that wonder woman barbie doll for yourself.

#4 Never forget your anniversary, Valentine’s Day and your wife’s birthday. Oh and if she says she doesn’t want anything– DON’T LISTEN. Show up with something, anything.

#5 Never talk bad about your in-laws. You can agree and be a shoulder to cry on- but you CAN NEVER be the one to actually say, I think your mother is a heifer.

#6 Never eat or drink to excess. Stuffing your face or drinking to the point of intoxication does not typically achieve any objective other than spending the night with your head or bum in a toilet which is not all that pleasing to your better half (remember farting is only cute when you’re dating- after 16 years.. not so much). That doesn’t mean abstention, just moderation.

#7 If you are FINALLY planning a date with your spouse; never go to the movies on a first date– the idea is to get to know each other. Sitting in a dark movie theater doesn’t lend itself well to conversation. Invariably, the only thing you end up talking about is the movie. Wait on second thought- maybe talking about the movie instead of that rash you cant get rid of, or when your husband is going to replenish the toilet paper in the downstairs bathroom is a good idea.

So tell me what are some things you think one should NEVER do in your marriage? Do you have any marital horror stories or red-face moments?


  1. Paula E. says

    This is hilarious! Never discuss your friends’ marriages. They are miserable too, they’re just better at hiding it.

  2. says

    First congrats no matter what that is a lot of years. We just hit 15 this past June, barely but we hit it. See there are a lot of things you should and should not do in a marriage. I agree with each of your rules too but there are a few more you left out.

    Never let your spouse make all the decisions/rules, it will bite you in the end. I married young and my husband took over everything for 10 years, 5 years ago I woke up. I didn’t want life the way it was going and I certainly didn’t want to feel like a child. I started getting a voice then.

    Never tease or comment on your spouses looks/size/cooking/etc, eventually it will get to them.

    Speaking about the in-laws is bad, even if your wife/husband is mad at their parents/siblings/etc they don’t want you jumping on them. Listen to what they say, but never respond. The minute you do, you will be attacked.

    Ex-boyfriends/girlfriends should never be spoken. Think of them like a taboo subject, sure if you want to fight this is when you bring them up, but if you want peace never mention it. Never mention that tattoos they got with the loved ones name either. Or the time when ya split and the two of you found another person but later got back together. It will be you that was the betrayer even if you both did it.

    Politics, government/military beliefs, and religion should be avoided at all costs. I had no clue how different our opinions were until this year. We would say such horrible things to each other too when we disagreed with the others beliefs. It was crazy. I’m not sure what that leaves to talk about, pretty much if you are married you should never speak lol. Okay not really but sure seems it after reading these comments. 🙂

    Seriously though Congratulations, you’ve passed the 5 and 10 year marks most don’t hit. Made it through at least one if not more fights/arguments and didn’t kill one another. 🙂

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