We all lament about it– and it’s the question so many of us parents have uttered every now again, as we look over at our spouse, who is half asleep in front of the TV, while a kid is nestled in the nook of our arm sleeping like a baby and mutter, “Honey, when was the LAST TIME we had sex?”
It’s okay; it’s normal we say to ourselves as we rattle off a litany of excuses to one another, or to our friends after one too many glasses of wine and many of us just accept it as part of the cycle of life .
Maybe we think.. Ah, our hot can’t keep our hands off each other sexual desires will simply have to take a back seat till the kids are in college. Or perhaps we live in a culture that’s been fed lies about sex and we need a whole new way of looking at this topic that our society is so completely obsessed with.
Well with a Ph.D. in Human Sexuality and renowned as one of the world’s foremost clinical sexologists, Dr. Gloria Brame offers a refreshing new take on parents and sex… and that how often you do it ( or not) is not as crucial to your relationship as one might think.
Dr. Gloria’s first book of a planned three-volume set, called The Truth About Sex, is a complete primer on new models for talking about, thinking about and understanding your inner sexual identity. So we asked her a couples of questions– for you, of course!
Married my sugar daddy: Why does it seem like EVERY married person I know is complaining that their sex life has waned since they had kids?
GB: It’s the single most common complaint among new parents. There are three main reasons: First, babies are exhausting, so by the time you get them to bed, you’re ready to collapse too. Second, your hormones change throughout pregnancy and after, and those hormonal imbalances/changes can impact female libido — breastfeeding is a factor in low female libido, as is (of course) post-partum depression. Third is that a lot of men feel differently about themselves and their wives once they have a kid; they may be a lot more willing to accept excuses or go without. When the initiator stops initiating, things can go downhill fast.
Married my sugar daddy: Is it ever possible for a husband and wife to reignite and have the same type of hot and heavy sex life they had pre-kids? Or is that an unattainable fantasy?
GB: Not only is it attainable, it’s something I encourage when I work with middle-aged couples with empty nests. You can’t go back to the way it was when you were young and naive, but you can build a mature sexual relationship that is, in its own way, even more fulfilling than the one you had when you were young. This time around, it isn’t all about impulses but about a genuine commitment to give each other physical pleasure for the rest of your lives.
Married my sugar daddy: What are some things husbands and wives can do to ramp up their bedroom fun?
GB: Variety is the spice of life AND the bedroom. Even if you conservative by nature, there are always new and creative twists you can introduce, whether it’s a new style of kissing, different caresses, more attention to foreplay, or sharing fantasies.
Married my sugar daddy: What if one partner wants it more often than the other– how can you deal with that?
GB: Differences in levels of libido are real and an MD or a sex therapist could spend some time figuring out whether the difference is physical (one person just born with more libido than the other) or psychological (one person is more repressed or guilty about sex than the other). If you can’t afford to figure it out in depth, the best advice is to be honest with each other about this incompatability in sex drive and work out a compromise that works for both
Dr. Gloria offers her top 5 tips for better sex now for parents
1. ALWAYS MAKE THE TIME. Biggest problems I see in marriages invariably arise when people don’t make the time to intimately bond with each other.
2. NO ONE EXPECTS YOU TO BE SUPERMAN/WOMAN. It’s hard to feel sexy when you feel like your head’s exploding from stress. If your partner is pressuring you too much — or, on the other hand — isn’t giving the stress relief that sex provides, talk to them about it or find a way to bust your own stress (yoga, a warm bath) before you try to have a sexual encounter.
3. BE FLEXIBLE. I encourage couples to adapt their habits to the realities of their daily lives. Maybe you don’t get long weekends alone anymore but do you have 10 minutes in the morning where you could have a quickie or get each off with your hands? Work around your schedule, don’t wait for the “perfect moment” or it may never come.
4. BE VERSATILE. The more ways you and your partner can find to give each other pleasure, the happier, healthier, and easier your sex life will be. The sexual connection is important because it bonds you together, producing brain chemistry that’s been proven to improve marital and parental skills. Amazing but true. So if you can find other acts — whether it’s hand-jobs, oral sex, watching porn together — that you enjoy, add them to your repertoire.
5. MAKE LOVE, NOT WAR. A good sex life is a key ingredient in an emotionally fulfilling marriage. Sex feels good and calms our spirits. It’s sad to me how much time people will spend fighting over the pleasure they aren’t getting when they would be so much better off focusing on the pleasure they COULD be getting from one another. I have a big section in my book teaching couples how to talk about sex so they can move to a much more mature and stable place in their marriage.
So…you gonna go get busy with your spouse now?!